FANCY PORK CHOP

Pork, that other white meat, has been enjoying makeover on Homo sapien plates lately. Besides this, my great recipe there are several more fancy dishes, with curry to cranberry stuffing that make breading and baking pork chops passé.

Grilled Pork Chop with Merlot Sauce:
INGREDIENTS
2 medium sweet potatoes, peel ‘em and chop ‘em
2 tablespoons butter
¼ cup tree sap (also known to fancy cavemans as maple syrup )

3 cups beef broth
1 cup juice of grapes crushed with stinky cave feet – scrape off Mammoth dung before crushing. Or just use Merlot wine from store closest to cave
1 tablespoon cornstarch
¼ cup water
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

4 (4-ounce) pork chops
2 tablespoons olive oil

PREPARATION
Sweet potatoes: Place potatoes in saucepot then cover with water. Bring water to simmer over medium heat. Cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain potatoes, add butter and maple syrup, mash by hand (Fun!). Transfer to bowl.

The sauce: Combine broth and wine in saucepan (see below). Bring to bubbling over medium heat, and make less by one third. Meanwhile, in a small bowl whisk cornstarch with ¼ cup water until smooth. Whisk the cornstarch mixture into simmering sauce. Continue whisking until sauce thickens. Season with salt and pepper and keep warm over small heat.

The pork: Heat up Foreman Grill. Season pork with salt and pepper. Brush the chops with oil then cook until brownish-pink at the center, about 4 minutes per side. Allow pork to rest for 5 minutes. Spoon sauce around the chops and serve with potatoes.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Cavemens always searching for a reason to buy latest and greatest of the coolest stuff. Here is a new one: you need bangin’ gear for your new role as kitchen master.

Flat Whisks: A musical instrument posing as a kitchen utensil. Flat whisks are good for eggs, gravies, and dry ingredients. There’s also the ball whisk that resembles those weird head massing things they sell in the thoroughfares of America’s finest malls.

Saucepan: Get the non-stick variety. Boil potatoes, simmer stock, cook rice, steam veggies, engage in the fine art of stovetop baking. Then when you’re done, wash it, dry it and your little one can use it as a helmet.

MEAT ON A STICK

You say satay, I say shish kabob hold pepper, onion, tomato… just gimme meat. You must agree with Cavedad that this is easy to prepare meal that will please grown cave dwellers and cavelings alike. Be sure to use kitchen shears to snip away the pointy end of the bamboo sticks if you plan on letting the little miss cavejoy explore this meal on her own.

Grilled Lemon Chicken Skewers with Satay Dip:
INGREDIENTS
¾ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice (4 lemons)
¾ cup good oil of olives
2 teaspoons kosher salt (or get from seashore)
1 teaspoon freshly grounded black pepper
1 tablespoon chopped up thyme leaves
2 pounds boneless chicken breasts, halved (Pterodactyl too big for this)

1 tablespoon extra virgins olive oil
1 tablespoon dark sesame oil
½ cup small-diced red onion (1 small onion)
1 ½ teaspoons pummeled garlic (2 cloves)
1 ½ teaspoons smooshed-up fresh ginger root
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar (yes, is ok to drink rest of bottle)
¼ cup light brown sugar, packed
2 tablespoons soy sauce
½ cup smooth peanut butter
¼ cup ketchup
2 tablespoons dry sherry
1 ½ teaspoons freshly squeezed lime juice

PREPARATION
Whisk lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper, and thyme. Pour over chicken’s breasts in bowl. Cover and marinate in icebox over the night.

Grill chicken’s breasts for 10 minutes each side. Cool slightly and cutting diagonally in 1/2-inch-thick slices. Skewer with bamboo sticks and serve.

For dipping sauce:
Cook the oils, red onion, garlic, and ginger in saucepan on medium heat until onion is transparent, 10 minutes. Whisk in the other ingredients, cook for 1 minute.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Cavemen always searching for a reason to buy latest and greatest of the coolest stuff. Here is a new one: you need bangin’ gear for your new role as kitchen master.

Rubber Spatula: You’ll need this to stir, flip or separate whatever’s cooking in the chef’s pan. When you’re not using it, Junior can have fun banging it around or using it as a teething device.

George Foreman Grill: He’s entertained us with grizzly boxing matches and advised us on the best place to repair our mufflers, but George Foreman’s greatest contribution to mankind is his crusade to outfit every kitchen with his brand of indoor grill..

SERVE OVER RICE

Now you have been cooking with me, Cavedad, for many meal. Today we move on – Bam! – to next harder category (yes, me copy Emeril). It only harder because you have to wrestle with icky river roaches in order to get meat ingredient, but other than that it easy because this dish goes with white rice great… or you make it fancy by serving over colorful coucous. Think some cool and tropical drink to drink with.

Shrimp and Red Onion Sauté:

INGREDIENTS
3 tablespoons oil of olives
1 tablespoon fresh ginger, peel it and mashed it
¾ teaspoon grounded up cinnamon
½ teaspoon bee nectar (some caveman call this honey)
12 peeled deveined uncooked large river roach or shrimp, leave tail on
1 red onion, cut halfs, peel them, each halfs cut in 4 wedges through root end
Fresh leaves of cilantro plant

PREPARATION
Heat Chef Pan over medium-high heat. Add onion; cook until blackened in spots, turning occasionally, about 5 minutes. Move onion wedges to side of pan. Add everything else; swish around in pan until shrimp are just cooked through, about 3 minutes. Transfer shrimp and onions to plates. Top with cilantro.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Cavemen always searching for a reason to buy latest and greatest of the coolest stuff. Here is a new one: you need bangin’ gear for your new role as kitchen master.

Potato/Vegetable peeler: Many late night paid programming ads claim to hawk the ultimate peeler/slicer/dicer/paint scraper/toe nail clipper. You’ll probably just want to pick one up in the kitchenware section of your favorite department store.

Kitchen Shears: These bad boys will cut through anything (hence the previous mention of the Chainmail gloves). The only thing a pair of kitchen shears cannot cut through is another pair of kitchen shears.

MENAGE A CHEESE

Every person loves ease of macaroni with cheese. Before you go and use moldy cheese hiding in rear of refrigerator, know this: though molds used to make some fancy-pantsy cheese (blue veined cheese with Penicillium spores, Brie and Camembert have white surface molds), them molds used in manufacture these cheese are safety eatings. Not like what created in your fridge.

Four Cheese and Macaroni Delight:

INGREDIENTS
1 pound macaroni
2 cloves garlic, minced (or pummel with club)
3 Tablespoons oil of olives
1 cup cheddar cheese, grated
1 cup smoked gouda, grated
1 cup mozzarella, grated
2 tablespoons romano grated
¼ cup sun dried tomatoes, chopped (or you know what to do)
3 Tablespoons parsley, finely minced

PREPARATION
Lightly sauté minced garlic in olive oil and put aside. Cook macaroni in salt water follow directions on package. When pasta cooked, drain or drink pasta water (very good cleansing broth) but safe ½ cup for later.

Return pasta to cooking pot, turn heat to medium low and add garlic and oil and mix thoroughly. Add cheeses and tomatoes and mix more. If you feel like you can add the reserved pasta water to help make sauce. Cavewife always complain about burning food, but this time is OK to cook until slightly burning on bottom.

Sprinkle grated romano cheese on top. Let cool, then serve in wedges at around cave temperature. (Any cheese can used in this simple dish. Personal preference is really what makes this a favorite of families.)

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Cavemen always searching for a reason to buy latest and greatest of the coolest stuff. Here is a new one: you need bangin’ gear for your new role as kitchen master.

Non-Stick Chef’s Pan: It’s more than just for sautéing. You can fry, stir-fry, steam, blanch, sear and simmer in this pan. It will be your most versatile purchase, so tony up a little extra for the best one in the shop.

Cook’s Knife: You’ll want a knife that is flexible. Nothing with a serrated edge will do unless you have fantasies of being a medieval doctor, and you view the chicken as your unwitting, poorly anesthetized amputation patient

MORE EGGS FOR DINNER

Cavemen always searching for a reason to buy latest and greatest of the coolest stuff. Here is a new one: you need bangin’ gear for your new role as kitchen master.

You can find best designs at MoMA Design Store, or check out what Target store has to offer (the OXO line is particularly minimalist yet cavemanly in its design).

Breakfast is food of champions, so why not have it for dinner? This recipe takes morning favorite and transforms it to dinner fare.

Supper Omelet:
INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons oil from olive, divided
2 cups thinly sliced fresh fennel bulb
8 cherry tomatoes
¼ cup chopped pitted brine-cured olives (or pummel with club)
5 large eggs, beaten to blend with ¼ teaspoon slat and ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper
2 ounces crushed-up goat cheese (herb kind or peppered preferred)
1 ½ tablespoons chopped fresh dill

PREPARATION
Heat 1 tablespoon oil in chef pan over medium-high heat. Add fennel; swirl around in pan until beginning to brown, about 5 minutes. Cover and cook until soft, stirring occasionally, about 4 minutes. Add tomatoes and mash with fork; mix in olives. Transfer to medium bowl.

Add remaining 1 tablespoon oil to same skillet; heat over medium-high heat. Add beaten eggs; cook until eggs are set in center, tilting pan often and lifting edges of omelet.

When almost cooked, add fennel mixture on top of eggs along with goat cheese. Cover and let cook for another 3 minutes.

When done remove to serving dish, top with chopped dill and serve.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Man skirts: Aprons aren’t all frilly and fussy. Some guys look extremely tough – a few even manage sexy – while wearing an apron (think local butcher, Ocean Street fishmonger, or Brad Pitt in Fight Club). You can go for humor (Floating Skull apron) or you can stick with functionality (hip half-aprons are available at aramark-uniform.com).

Chainmail gloves: These are designed for those whackos that go diving with man-eating sharks. You’ll probably look like a character from Monte Python’s Camelot, but you’ll also keep all of your digits, unlike the aforementioned whackos. Slip one of the gloves over your left hand (or vise versa if you’re left handed) to prevent cutting yourself in the kitchen.

WHERE’S THE BEEF?

Grounded bison meat is for wimpy caveguys. Real caveman enjoy his beef un-grounded. Here is one big bad sandwich to feed those ferocious hungry little cavelings with discerning tastes. Cooling portion of this recipe takes a minimum of 30 minutes (or about as long as Caveman Jr. naps; if you’re lucky). You can leave out mustard sauce and pepper off the munchkin’s munchies. Or leave on to teach survival lesson: never trust another cavenman even if he is your cavedad.

Beef, Bacon and Arugula Sandwich:

INGREDIENTS
3 8-ounce beef tenderloins (yummiest part of bison besides brain, balls and hoofs)
3 tablespoons crushed black peppercorns
6 tablespoons mayonnaise (fancy egg and oil mixture)
2 tablespoons spicy Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon prepared white horseradish, drained (anything with horse in name is good to eat)
12 mushrooms, thinly sliced
6 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Olive oil
1 pound sliced salt-cured boar (also known as bacon to some caveguys)
6 rolls toasted over fire (if fire not yet invented in your prehistoric enclave, try leaving in sun for very long time)
3 cups (packed) baby arugula

PREPARATION
Coat steaks all over with pepper. Mix mayonnaise, mustard, and horseradish in small bowl for dressing. Cover steaks and dressing separate and cool at least 30 minutes and up to one day.

Toss (not throw out… mix vigorously) thinly sliced mushrooms and lemon juice in medium bowl to coat evenly. Sprinkle lightly with salt. Brush pan generously with oil and heat over medium-high heat. Add steaks and cook to desired doneness (but always well-done for the caveling), about 5 minutes per side for medium-rare. Transfer steaks to one plate; let stand for 15 minutes. Cook bacon in same pan over medium-high heat until brown and crisp. Using tongs, transfer bacon to paper towels to remove oil.

Place roll bottoms on plates; spread with dressing. Slice steaks thinly and divide among rolls. Top with bacon, mushrooms, and arugula. Cover sandwiches with roll tops and serve.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
No juggling allowed: If one hand is occupied with something hot, do not attempt to wrangle the little miss with the other, and working at the stove while holding your baby is like driving your toddler around without a car seat.

Obvious, but worth mentioning: If it can fit though the cardboard spool of a toilet paper roll then it’s a choking hazard and should be placed out of reach. To be prepared should you encounter a choking emergency, see the last page of this book.

ROCKIN’ ROLLS

To rock a lobster roll resist urge to place actual rock inside roll. This will break family’s teeth, and although funny to you, might not be so funny to cavemom or caveling. Instead start with crusty bun bread. To find some authentic New England type top-load rolls might be difficult for some you caveguys. If so, you will want to barter for your favorite roll from bakering cave close by, then make neat little home in rolls for all that yummy lobster filling. [You’ll need very modern invention for this recipe: kitchen shears].

Classic Lobster Rolls:

INGREDIENTS
1 2-pound live lobster (it will be difficult to find small enough lobstersaurus that will not lop your head off with giant claws, so proceed with my cautioning)
½ cup finely chopped celery (by now you know you can just pummel with club)
¼ cup mayonnaise (Hellman’s preferred)
2 small spoons fresh lemon juice (do not get squirts in eyes, this is very painful thing to do)
3 big spoons butter
2 fresh buns (not that kind you dirty caveman, the bread kind)
Chopped fresh chives (Pummel with club!)

PREPARATION
Turn up booming box to drown out lobster’s scream, then plunge lobster in large vessel of boiling water; cover and cook lobster 9 minutes long, or until screaming stops. Using tongs (other fancy upright-man invention), transfer lobster to large bowl of almost freezing water to cool quickly. Like true barbarian, twist tail and claws from lobster body (this will feel very good and is therapeutic according to Dr. Spook); discard hulking body of lobster. Crack claws and remove lobster meat. Pull claw meat apart and remove cartilage. Using kitchen shears, cut tail in half longways; remove meat from shell. Cut claw and tail meat into smallish pieces; transfer to medium bowl.

Add celery mush, mayonnaise, and lemon juice to lobster and mix until blended. Season with salt and pepper.

Melt butter in fancy pan over medium coals. Add buns and cook until golden on sides, turning often for even browning, about 5 minutes each bun; pry open. Divide lobster mixture between buns; sprinkle with chives and serve to cavefamily. You have once again proved that you are man of the cave.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Mop-up the mess: Always have paper towels handy. If you spill something, which you will, clean it up as quickly as possible. This will prevent the little rascal from loosing footing on the floor’s slippery surface.

This is not a toy: Be sure to put away rolls of cling wrap and tin foil, and keep empty grocery bags out of reach. Plus requesting paper when shopping helps preserve the environment your tot will grow up in.

HAM SANDWICH

In caveman’s term, following recipe is really for ham and cheese between bread. But not fear, there be no elementary school flashbacks of cavebullies raiding lunch box and turning your lunch into hallway game that send you crying to teacher, Ms. Brillobeard, who knock you over head with club and say, “Caveman don’t cry!”

Why you not get flashback? I tell you why. Because this bread meal is not like square one cavemom made on school day morning before you jumped in school bus with no bottom like Flinstone’s cartoon vehicle. No. This sandwich is like upright walking man. It strong, sophisticated, sexy. Um… that’s what the cavelady say. On to recipe…

Mozzarella & Proscuitto Sandwiches:

INGREDIENTS
1 small spoon chopped anchovy fillet
1 small spoon capers
1 garlic clove, chopped (or pummel with club)
1 teaspoon grated lemon peel
1 ½ cups Nicoise olives, pitted
¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil
10 basil leaves finely chopped (this one do not pummel with club)
3 teaspoons fresh lemon juice

3 6 inch-long slices of Italian bread or Baguette (baguette is not female bag, it is fancy bread), slice horizontally in half
3 prosciutto slices
9 slices fresh mozzarella, 1/4 inch thick
basil leave

PREPARATION
Combined first 5 ingredients and mash together with fork until chunky paste. This is best part of preparation. Combine extra-virgin olive oil with chopped basil leaves and lemon juice and add to paste, mix well.

Brush cut side of bread with olive oil. Layer the sandwiches with equal portion of mushy paste, slices of mozzarella, prosciutto and basil leaves. Cover with top halves of bread. Resist temptation to eat all for yourself. Share with family.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Dicing can be dicey: Try to pre-cut, slice, filet or chop while the nipper’s napping. At no time while cooking alone with Junior awake should you have anything sharper than a rubber spatula in hand. I’ll leave you to think of reasons why.

Tie up loose ends: The loose wiry tails attached to most kitchen appliances need to be unplugged and wound into safe spools of electrical wire. Relegating them to kitchen cupboards and high shelves will work too.

EGGS N’ BREAD

What is it about leaving top layer of bread off sandwich that suddenly make them sophisticaved meal? Who know? Below I give you recipe for egg meal that work great as brunch, but also work for morning time or dinner. Useless trivia: The term ‘brunch’ was coined by a British caveguy named Guy in 1895.

Open-faced Egg Sandwich:
(This recipe intended for three cavepeoples but can be expanded.)

INGREDIENTS
1 to 2 eggs per caveperson (or if you can find Pterodactyl nest use one egg for all)
1 1-inch slice of baked wheat meal – bread – per egg (if you are fancy cavedad then use brioche or Challah bread)
¼ medium smelly bulb – onion – chopped or pummeled with club (you will be surprised if water comes from eyes, but do not worry, this is not tears… cavedad do not cry)
1 tomato, (after crying incident forget chopping, simply pummel with club)
2 cloves garlic, smushed to fine consistency
½ teaspoon fresh lemon juice (if you are lazy cavedad you can use from store-bought bottle)
½ teaspoon Parmesan cheese per slice of bread

PREPARATION
Sauté onion mush then add tomato mush and garlic mush, cook for 5 minutes medium heat and then add the lemon juice (save some for margarita later).

Meanwhile throw sliced bread into one other frying pan and delicately brown on both sides.

Utilize other greatest invention since wheel: spatula. Fry eggs (Or swish around to make fluffy yellow egg mush).

Place eggs on top of lightly browned bread, place same amounts of cooked tomato-onion mush over the eggs then carefully sprinkle with Parmesan cheese like you see guy doing in local caveman pizza shop. Step back and look at creations and then boldly yell, “Me can fry eggs!” Cavewoman will laugh, caveling will not get joke, but everyone will have full belly.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS!
Ha-ha, fooled ya: Use childproof latches for cupboard doors and drawers. If you have the space you can turn a low cupboard or drawer into an environment your baby can explore. Stock it with safe kitchen items such as wooden utensils or Tupperware.

Play while dad sautés: Engaging toys – set away from the stove – should entertain your tot as you play the role of Master Chef. Ensure that the toys are all of the non-round variety to prevent slips. Play mats are great for the younger ones, and activity centers such as DUPLO sets work well for toddlers.

HOT DOGS

To make great sandwich you must to start with best meats, incorporate fresh and tasty breads, then top of all with an interesting relish. A hot dog is no different, and it comes time for you to do your part in uplifting negative connotations associated with Homo sapien’s favorite sandwich.

Best frankfurters are most likely coming from local hunt expedition. Search your neighborhood for cave that carries the local favorite, or contact that caveman directly. Most will be flattered that you have taken on this mission.

Since you’re not outside manning grill (you have caveling right?), and all of your cooking is restricted to inside fire or stovetop, it is time to bust out greatest invention since wheel… the George Foreman Grill. Lightly glaze the dogs with olive oil, toss ‘em in Foreman and listen to them make crackling noises.

While all that is happening you can use recipes below to create interesting and unexpected topping that will impress cavewoman and delight caveling.

Fancy Cabbage Slaw:
INGREDIENTS
1 cup unpeeled, cored, diced apples
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup Miracle Whip salad dressing
3 cups shredded cabbage

PREPARATION
Combine apples, raisins, and salad dressing. Chill for 1 hour. Just before serving, toss with shredded cabbage. Serves 6.

Chili Cheese:
INGREDIENTS
1 lb. lean ground beef
2 cans (15 ounces each) refried beans
1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream
1/2 cup chopped onion
Salt and pepper to taste
8 oz. Cheddar cheese, shredded

PREPARATION
In a large heavy skillet cook onion in oil over moderate heat, stirring, until onion is softened. Add beef and cook, stirring and breaking up any lumps with a fork, until cooked through. Drain off any excess fat. Add remaining ingredients, adding just enough juice to create a very loose but not soupy mixture. Simmer sauce, stirring occasionally, 10 minutes.

KITCHEN TIPS FOR NEW PARENTS! Back burner: Remove the front burners from the stove forcing you to always cook on the ones in the rear. This reduces the risk of hot splashes, popping oil or flying food making its way anywhere near your tot. Also turn pot handles toward the back of the stove.